i haven't been posting in the longest time on here, but i think it would be kinda useless since my website alexevans.net is now a blog. so if you liked my posts, and wanna keep reading them, you can always visit that website. i update it daily, or if not, quite often!
life would not be the same without toblerones. you have no idea what you're missing if you've never had it. and you also have no idea how much of it i've been eating in the past days.
my christmas was okay, my new year will most likely be the same, even though i pray hard for it to be great.
actually i kind of wished i would've just stayed home, i would've avoided disappointment.
i kind of hate when people don't turn out to be who you thought they were, or who they seemed to be during your first impression of them. i should simply finally learn that it is not good to have expectations. but i can't help it. maybe there is just nothing to do about it.
maybe i'm just looking for something too great, maybe i'm the problem after all, maybe i just cannot be satisfied with anything or anybody.
i don't like when things start getting old, when relationship slowly dies, when people change.
i want things to be exciting and fun, all the time. i want people to be how i like them to be all the time. i want to be contented with everything.
but this is me asking too much.
although i feel like it's not that much.
it's not like i'm asking for luxurious cars, a mansion, an academy award, and a few magazine covers.
i've got nothing planned for the day. i'm kinda glad about that. i missed not doing anything.
i'm quite contradicting myself, aren't i?
i want attention and people around me, but then wanna be alone.
lately i've been relating my life to a few songs in a way that i never have before, and i find it strange. of course, it probably happened to you too, at least once, since it is basically the whole point of music. but, listen to me. it's to a point where i almost feel like my life is a musical. i'm not crazy, i swear. i just happen to find those songs that i can relate to so well, i could stop talking and simply play songs. maybe it never happened to me before for the simple reason that i never really cared about the lyrics. i usually like a song for it's music, or the singer. everything is different now though, i'm becoming obsessed with lyrics. i want to find their meaning, i want to know what's really behind them, and i want to write my own. is it possible to develop a psychological dependency to words? i wonder.
i'm done school, and i'm so glad i am. this semester was terrible. i considered dropping out of school so many times over the past months, i'm just not interested anymore. i don't have the motivation to keep going. only one more semester, after christmas holidays, and then it's finally over. but not really? then i have to either go to university for another couple of years, or find myself a serious job. to be honest, i don't feel like i fit in any of those two categories. i just wanna be me, i just wanna do what i wanna do when i want to, i just wanna have my little projects and use all my time to work on them. isn't it what we all want though? maybe, maybe not. as much as i feel like we're all so different, i also feel like we're all the same. in the end, we all want the same thing, whether we admit it or not. and you wanna know how i've been enjoying my first few days of vacation? i did nothing. nothing. nothing! well, i have done a few things, but nothing too groundbreaking. i wake up, i shower, i eat, i read, i draw, i watch movies, i eat again, i watch tv shows, i stay up late and god knows why, and then finally i go to bed. the next day, it starts all over again. i'm not complaining, i love it. i'm starting to feel a little weird though, i haven't gone out of my house for three days, but hey, i need a break! you can't blame me. and as though i feel like i haven't been productive, i also feel like i've been the most productive i have been in forever. i've worked on impolite, i'm done painting/drawing/editing all the designs, and the clothes are now in production. i've been updating my websites. i've been socializing or whatever it is. i've read books i've been meaning to read for so long. i've watched movies i own on dvd and never even watched before. that's quite productive to me.
i should start going out a little bit though, after all, i've still got more than a month of vacation. and, my dad is sick, and i'm so scared to just be in the same house. being sick is the worst thing ever, and i don't wanna get sick too just because he is. i'm making sure i'm taking my c vitamins every morning.
i feel like this post doesn't mean anything, or doesn't make any sense, i will stop here.
i might have said that fall is my favorite season, but now i'm freezing and i want my summer back. it's gotten so cold over the past days, i feel like winter's gonna happen any minute. it snowed a little bit a few days ago, it was very pretty, but NOOOOO!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! no winter. merci!
i don't like feeling cold, which results in me not wanting to get out of my house. i have a class at 2:30, but i do not feel like going. of course, i will go! but doesn't mean i feel like it. i have to stay on the right track, everything at school has been getting so much better lately. i no longer postpone every single of my homework, and i did all the work that was long due. yay! less stress on my shoulders. but to be honest, i do still have a few things that i haven't done yet, and it freaks me out because i only have... two weeks of school left? how am i going to find time to do all that work. oups.
i don't know yet what i'm going to do with my lovely two months long christmas break. i wanna go somewhere. but where? i know where. i know where i'd wanna be right now, right this minute. and who i'd be with, but that's another story.
wouldn't it be fun to go to a resort in the Caribbean, or something. i've never been to such a place, too expensive for my family. i should start saving up my money, and go with a friend. would it be worth the more than a thousand dollars though? i'm sure some of you guys went to one of those places. or maybe i could go to france. i always wanted to visit france. some people i know said it was just plain boring, and that people were rude. i feel like they might be wrong. how could france be boring? it just can't. okay, it's probably not the most exciting place ever, but it for sure would be nice for a week or two. especially when you speak french! i heard they're rude when people don't even know how to speak french, and just speak to them in english. but that makes sense, god! the name of the country is france, not england...
so, maybe i will be visiting france in the near future. it doesn't sound bad at all to me. and i love europe because all the countries are so close to each other, you can just take a train to the next country!
in my last post i was talking about how my camera was broken, and that i couldn't make up my mind on either getting a nikon or a canon again. well, i went for the canon. i've always had canon cameras, and i didn't wanna change now. it's not like i haven't been happy with the canon cameras, i just stupidly broke mine because i didn't take care of it. i got the canon 50d, which is quite a expensive camera, but it's really worth it when you're a perfectionist about the quality and everything. the pictures are always noise free, clear and the colors are usually very bright and true. i haven't had a chance to use it that much though, and it makes me sad. i'm too busy with school. but IT'S ALMOST OVER. so means, me taking lots and lots of pictures. i wish my friends would let me use them as models more often, but they're always complaining about how they're not photogenic. excuses.
oh, and i almost forgot. i entered a contest on the vman magazine website. the winner of the contest will be signed to ford model, and will get to be on the cover of the magazine. my friend told me i should give it a try, so i did. i don't really take modeling seriously or any of that, i don't even find myself good at it, or feel like i have the looks, but it's always fun to enter a contest. who knows what could happen! right? you can vote on the website for your favorite contestant, so if you feel like i deserve to win, just go on http://modelsearch.vman.com/vmanmodel_intro.php and then click on "view submissions and vote" on the left. and then you can see the contestants and vote. i'm currently on the first page. thanks!
anyway, i was about to go shower, and get ready for school. i'm sorry that it's been seven weeks since my last post, but if you have a blog you probably know how i felt. i just didn't feel like i had anything to say. i tried to post something a few times, but i could never put my words together, and i'd end up deleting the journal entry.
as i'm writing this, i'm laying comfortably on my bed. yes, if you haven't guessed yet, no school for me today! but don't be too jealous, the only reason why i didn't go is that i can't seperate myself from my kleenex box and my head feels like it's been hit by a bus. i think they're allergies. i can't stop sneezing too! imagine if i wouldn't have stayed home today! i would've been such a gross annoying person in class, sneezing all day, and blowing my nose every fourty five seconds.
it all started yesterday, when i was shopping in several vintage stores. i have no idea if my allergies are related to that, but they could possibly be. dirty clothes and dirty places always make me sneeze, and then sick. especially when i go to value village! so much for finding cool cheap clothes! anyway, sorry about that, i'm sure you didn't come read this blog in order to hear about germs.
i have a very, very, very bad news! you've probably noticed that i haven't been uploading new pictures on myspace for a while, and if i do so, they're taken by somebody else. why is that? well, my camera is... dead. it died a few weeks ago. so sad. especially the part where i had to bury it. i really miss taking pictures. i have tons of ideas too, and just can't use them! i've been meaning to buy a new camera, but SLRs are expensive, and i don't want to buy a cheap camera. i would rather wait until i've got enough money to buy a good one, something even better than what i had before. both canon and nikon will soon release new great cameras. i still haven't decided if i will be loyal to canon and buy one from them again, or if i will move to nikon. it's a rather hard decision to make, especially when it comes to spend more than a thousand dollars on it! i've been reading reviews about them, and it seems like people are all about nikon. i don't know. i like canon, i feel like canon is great. the canon one is more expensive though, so i will see. just hope i'll have the money to buy it soon!
i think stress can cause a lot of damages. i've always been the kind of person who's stressed out for no reason, but lately, for no apparent reasons, i've been more stressed than the usual. it might be school, or the fact that i turned eighteen and feel like my life is almost over. it might be my relationships, or what's going on under my roof right now. i don't think that things are worst than they were before. some things are, that's for sure, but i feel like everything is pretty good. so i don't know. i've been thinking a lot about it, trying to figure out what i could do to manage my stress, but it's kind of hard when i don't even know what causes it. ok, i don't really want to admit it to myself, but i know what mainly causes it, but i just can't change that. it's a no turn around situation, and i have to live with it. to get to the point, stress has been damaging (well, big word but you know what i mean) my skin like never before. i was never the type to get pimples, or to break out, but during the past weeks it's been bad. i hate it. it makes me feel like shit. i bought some products though, and it's getting better. i hate how it makes my skin dry and red. why can't everybody just be pimple free? or why can't they just create some pill you take once, with no side effects, and BAM! no more pimples! i wish.
i think this will be it for today, i should go get some rest.
please don't hate me for it, but i'm obsessed with the song called bruises featured in the latest ipod nano ad. you're probably going to tell me that i should've known about the band five years ago, and that i'm just one of those people who like what's popular or mainstream, but i am not! i promise. i'm glad apple made me discover such a great band. i usually know about the singers or bands they take songs from for their commercial, but i had never heard of the band chairlift before. i still don't know much about them, except for the fact that they're from brooklyn... and that ever since i bought their cd, i just can't stop listening to it! it's just that kind of music that you could listen to on repeat for days. you should go on itunes and search for them, i'm sure you'll like it. and please, don't download their cd somewhere on the internet for free, but buy it if you want it. it's not like they're as known as britney spears and that you can tell yourself while stealing their cd that it doesn't matter even if you do because twenty million other people will actually buy it!
oh god, i'm so tired. i hope i'm not sick. maybe i'm just being lazy, like real lazy. i woke up at eleven this morning. it's only nine pm right now and i already feel dead tired. especially my eyes. they're like watering right now while i'm trying to see what i'm writing on the screen haha.
remember the photoshoot that i've talked to you about in the last post? well i dont know if it's going to happen anymore. my friend never got back to me about it. i'm kinda disappointed because i was really excited about the shoot, and what the plan was for it. maybe i'm just going to try to find another photographer to do it, i'm sure there are plenty of them around trying to find models to shoot for fun. at dawson there is a photography program, i'll try to make friend with some of the students. haha. we never know! i might find somebody who see things like i do! sometimes i just wish i could be two people. one of them could be in front of the camera, and the other one behind it. that way, i could get exactly what i want. but that's just impossible. unless.... i clone myself.... wait, is it possible yet? i dont think so. but the way things are going in the world, it's probably gonna be possible before i die!
i used to hate tv shows, and now i'm all about it. i feel like such a loser. i spend so much time in front of the tv now. i just bought the season two of ugly betty, and i'm almost done watching it. yeah, i know it was on tv a while ago, but i'm not a big fan of watching shows on tv. it sucks to wait a whole week to see the rest, i usually get uninterested. and the commercials too, eh.
so right now, i'm gonna go back to my beloved betty.
hello to you, and you and you!
don't tell me, please, i know it's been a while, a very long while, but hey, it was summer and i was busy living my life!
today i will be talking about three things, first smells, then cameras (the ones you take pictures with) and finally, about falling leaves, or if you want, about fall, my favorite season!
smells, you probably wonder what the hell i could possibly have to say about smells, or wonder if i will be talking about good or bad smells. let's start from the beginning. over the summer, i have noticed that a lot of people tend to smell very bad. have they ever heard of deodorants? showers? the worst is when you're on a bus or train with smelly people, you have to endure the smell! today i was going shopping after school, and that one man who happened to be walking by me for a while smelled really really bad. as in he probably had been sweating in those same clothes for a few days. it was gross. so please, people, shower more often! and you know, another thing, perfume doesn't always make the smell better!
cameras, yes i love photography, but it's not what i am going to talk about. what i wanna talk about is people taking pictures of other people without asking them first. people who don't have any respect. earlier today i was waiting for the bus, and those three girls wearing some school uniforms took out their cameras, and were trying to be sneaky and take pictures of me. it was really annoying. it's one thing to politely ask, and another one to just be rude and take them without permission. maybe the person you're trying to take pictures of really don't feel like having their picture taken at that moment. maybe they feel ugly that day, or just got back from the gym and don't really want to have that particular moment immortalized on some strangers camera!
and finally, FALL! my favorite season of the year. so beautiful. so perfect. not too warm, not too cold, and most importantly, the fall's fashion, usually the best one! i just bought a new coat, scarf, and hat today, and i'm so excited for colder days, and to be able to wear them! haha. seriously, isn't fall amazing? i will soon have a photoshoot with a friend who happens to be a photographer. i think the theme will revolve around the fall fashion this year or something. i'm so excited about it. the pictures are going to be black and white, and we were planning on either doing the photoshoot in a studio or to go on a little adventure in a forest!
this is it for today, i must keep some stuff to talk about in future posts! and i promise, i will be writing a lot more! this semester is going to be a lot easier than i expected it to be. my classes are a real joke. i could sleep through them and still pass with a good grade. so check back my journal soon!
i know, i have talk about trust issues before, and i don't want the subject to get old and to bore everybody, but i have got to talk about it again, in a different perspective.
have you ever felt like you could be involved in a really big con and have no idea about it? like you could be mistaking trust for infatuation? like the whole world tells you they're on your side while in fact they really hate you and try everything to secretly destruct you?
it is indeed a very fucked up feeling, and sorry here about the use of vocabulary. we just never really know what intentions a person can have, bad ones like good ones.
in a friendship, the scenario is pretty obvious. you will become friend with somebody you have secretly wanted to be friends with for a long time, and they will see just how fragile and vulnerable you are. you will be shocked when they first start to talk to you, you will be proud when you get to walk around with them, you will feel so good to have somebody to talk about stuff with and your life will be accomplished when they invite you to a first party. but what happens if that person secretly hates, as in jealousy, how pure you are, and just wants to turn you into somebody you are not? somebody you own self would never want to be. what if that person is just having fun manipulating you? you will never know, never know until it becomes obvious, and if you are just so happy about your new friendship, you won't notice for a while. and the longer it will take you to notice what really is going on, the more it will hurts. in your back, that person and their friends will be making fun of you, they all know what really is going on, and they all love it. drama. you are a toy to them, and for you, all they are is that best friend you never had, that perfect friend you always wanted to have. that friendship will make you lose a lot because you will most likely turn your back on everything you already have to please them. values, family, friends, projects, everything. manipulation is part of their nature, and unconsciousness is part of yours. when you really find out what they have been doing to you, you will most likely feel like you're just a nobody. you won't hate them, you will hate yourself. hate yourself for being such a loser, or at least, you'll think you're the worst loser.
in a relationship, the scenario is pretty similar, but it always end up hurting more in the end for some reasons. you will fall for that rather attractive person who just seem so perfect, outside like inside. you won't get to know them, no, here we are talking about love at first sight. the whole relationship, if you can even call it that way, will be based on your infatuation for that person, and how useful you might be for that person. as soon as they will notice how hard you fell for them, how easy it is to just play around with your heart, they will play that lovely game where they act as if they're just so in love with you. they will act like the best person to be in a relationship with, ever. they will give you everything you want, and tell you everything you want to hear from them. when written down, everything sounds just so obvious, but because you are just so in love with that person, it is not obvious, it won't be for a while, it might not even be at all until that person totally screw you over. if you have just a bit of luck, they won't have affairs with other people while they are supposedly with you. they will take time to enjoy using you, and nobody else at the same time. in this case, it is generally quicker. they will get over you fast, and you will become boring to them in a few weeks, if not a few days. if they do have affairs with other people at the same time, they will keep you, or them on hold, and find out which one of you is the best deal. what do they use you for you wonder? for their personal satisfaction. they're the most selfish people. they will take away from you those things you do have and that they don't. if you're attractive, they will have a blast in bed with you. if you have a fuck load of money, they'll always try to take advantage of that. depending on how much of a jerk that person might be, they can make fun of what they're doing to you with their friends, and you might eventually get to hear about it somehow, but you won't want to believe it because you are so desesperatly in love. then you will hear it again, and some doubts will start haunting you. it will drive you crazy, it's all you will be thinking about. can that person really be that horrible? can somebody really be that fucked up in their head? questions. questions. they will follow ones after the other. one day, you will wake up and know you're alone, and you have always been. those sweet things that person told you seem so obviously wrong to you now. you feel dumb. you feel stupid. you don't blame anybody else but yourself, and that is the saddest part. you won't blame that person for being so selfish, ignorant, and for being much of a manipulator. you will blame you. why was i stupid enough to believe in this whole thing you will ask yourself. then your self-confidence will be hurt. the last thing you will end up doing is to hate that person, and if you really are stupid as you have been calling yourself, you will still love that person, however bad they've hurt you. no matter what they possibly could have told their beloved friends about you.
in both those scenarios, the friendship and the relationship, the one that will end up hurting you the most is the relationship one. yes, we all heard how friends are forever and relationships never last. let's be honest, friends aren't forever. but what will you be more sad about? being fooled by a friend? or being terribly in love with somebody who has been fooling you?
no, i am not high right now, even though that whole thing sounds so absurd. i doubt you will really get my point, but it's okay, i wrote it for myself.
revenge is sweet, or is it not? i feel like life is a war, you have to fight for yourself constantly, and there is nobody to fight with you, because everybody else is also busy fighting for their own life. i would need somebody to fight with me right now, because i can't keep up fighting, i've given everything i had.
summer has been good so far, i enjoy not having to wake up to go to class, and i've been doing so many things i haven't done in a while! i feel happy, happier.
i went to six flags a few days ago, for the first time in two years, and it was really fun! sure, it is really annoying when you have to wait an hour for a thirty seconds ride, but it's fun, especially when you're with a really enteirtaining person. you can just talk about anything, and somehow hang out at the same time. what i hate though is how they really overprice everything. ten dollars for a foot-long subway sandwhich? i've never seen such a thing. i ended up having a poutine, it was the cheapest thing they had, which was still really expensive. have you ever heard of poutine? it's a special meal we have here. the only place they serve it is the province of quebec, in canada. i have no idea why it's not worldwide yet, it's so good and addicting. it's fries, a special gravy sauce, and some special cheese curds. loveeeeeeeeeeee it. you can always google it to see what it looks like! but remember, if ever you come over here, you gotta have a poutine!
the new clothes are now on sale on heartbreaker clothing, i'm very satisfied with everything! it's just funny because most of the sales are in france and united states. i've even sold some t-shirts to germany, sweden and brazil. and, the funny thing now, i have sold zero to canada! how funny is that? i really want to visit france and europe, it looks so nice over there. i've been to the united states many times, and i will probably go back later this summer, but europe would be such a different experience. totally a different culture. united states is pretty similar to canada. i guess i just haven't been to europe yet because i just can't afford it. the flights to europe are really expensive, and i heard the hotels are expensive, the restaurants too. i'll save that plan for later. i think i'd rather go to tokyo, if i really have to spend a lot of money to go somewhere.
and now i'm up to figuring out what i will be doing during the next month. i have got no plans at all. if i get to see 11:11 pm again, i'll wish for nice things to come up to me!
the truth always have to come out someday, and i decided to skip the gossips part.
i haven't had the easiest time of my life during the past few months, i've come to a time in my life where i have to set my priorities straight and find out what is wrong and what is right for me. i have just been living so fast during the past years, and lately i had to get through many personal problems, we all do.
but, i will go straight to the main point of this post because i know most of you won't read until the end. (but can you please do?) i will not be part of mark&alex anymore. it's just a healthy decision, as much as it is for me than it is for mark. when we first started the band, we never thought it would eventually become serious, and lately it's just been getting so serious that it freaks me out. i wasn't ready for any of that. dropping college, leaving my family, leaving my friends, and touring? no, it's not my lifetime goal. as much as i love music, and really enjoy writing songs, music isn't something i am ready for right now. i feel bad because some people will never have the chance i had to get their music known, and what do i do with mine? i just drop it. but i need to do it. mark is older than i am, and has a lot more experience and talent than i do when it comes to music. he is ready to put all of his energy in this career. i believe he will continue doing music, while i might someday, come out with something i've done myself. who knows, i've got many years ahead, or at least, i hope i do.
i know a lot of you will be very frustrated with this, but understand that it's really hard for me and it's just what i had to do. i need to focus on what really is important for me. i've been investing a lot of time and money on heartbreaker clothing lately. i think i have told you about it before, i'm completely changing the concept. the clothes will now be manufactured in an independant company in the united states, all on american apparel t-shirts, and i've worked on many new t-shirts. i've been taking responsibility of absolutely everything, and it's been taking up a lot of my time. i will have all the clothes at my house, i will take care of all the orders myself, ship them, everything. the new clothes will be out soon, and i can't just drop the project for another one. i have over seven hundred t-shirts in my basement, and i have to do something with them. how could i possibly manage that if i'd go on tour? if i'd have to lock myself in a music studio for months? i honestly couldn't.
in the past days, i've been taking the photos that i will use to promote the clothes, and i am very happy with them. again, i used my friends as the models, different ones this time. i don't think i could stand shooting somebody who does it as a job. i like when people are very natural looking. i am so glad to be able to do photoshoots again. every single step of this project makes me really happy. i enjoy designing the t-shirts, dealing with the crazy people at the canada's customs, calling the manufacture in the united states, dealing at the bank to get a loan, taking the photos, updating the website. it's all really fun to me, and i believe this is what i belong to do, because it feels right, and it makes me happy.
my brain feels numb, i've been thinking so hard about everything lately. i'm bad at making choices, i hate it. i wish somebody could just make them for me all the time, but sadly it is not how things work. i've got to take care of my own life. i realized more than ever that we have to work hard for our happiness, and that it won't just come to us. we can wait, and hope it will come. yes, it might. but being a realistic person, i think it won't just come by itself, and my problems won't be solved unless i solve them myself.
i didn't mean for this post to end up so long, i am sorry.
thank you so much for all your support,
i really appreciate it,